Real+Raw: I’m Imperfect But I'm All In.
Post inspired by the book Rising Strong By Dr. Brene Brown
“Daring is saying, I know I will eventually fail and I'm still all in.” - Brene Brown
I’m a type-a, organization-loving, only go 110% or not at all, perfectionist. I can be annoyingly bossy (I admit), especially as a back seat driver (Landon gets the worse of it.) I am also incredibly sensitive, caring, honest, sometimes witty, and yearn to help in any way that I can. I love the deep-hearted conversations, where we get real about the darkness in our minds and the struggles that we face every day.
I put a lot of pressure on myself, super high expectations that seem totally unfair on an outside perspective, and struggle with an anxiety disorder and relapses with my eating disorder. I don’t think I am perfect, I often feel incredibly inadequate, a failure, a fraud and wake up with crushing self-doubt and worry. I struggle with the facade of social media constantly as none of it feels real while balancing a business that rests largely on my personality and public image. But I'm resilient, I'm strong, and I have grit - I punch back the inner-demons as often as I can, but I also have days where they win and I hide or torment myself with the ideas of starting over. But I know I am all in regardless of the struggles.
I love solitude and I don’t reach out for help (at least not often) because most of my healing is best done by self-reflection, writing, yoga, reiki, and a hot lavender bath. I do take comfort in close friends who I know I am safe with, the ones who have come to me in the same similar states of vulnerability, where the stakes were high and they felt afraid yet they still called. They are my people.
I have arrogant moments, humble moments, insecure moments, I-totally-fucked-that-up moments, and moments where I feel like I am the most-ridiculous-human-being-alive only trying to place one foot front in the other without crashing the whole house of cards down that I have been working so hard on. I am painfully self-reflective (sometimes to a fault) but it helps me transform and question my own motives and actions. Although it can be hard to be so analytical, I am also grateful for it because ignorance isn’t bliss, especially if your pain, anger, hurt is also hurting everyone you love around you. I try to make myself better in hope that it means I can be better, have better relationships and a bountiful life full of unconditional love where I can be joyful, supportive and loving to my absolute fullest. The world really needs more of that, not more ignorance, anger, hurt, not anymore destruction. This keeps me fighting for those really amazing days, and I do have them, the days where I feel joy creep around me like a luminescent shell and gratitude rests on my tongue so sweetly and effortlessly.
I’m human. I’ll have bad days, incredibly good days, and more often than I’d care to admit- days where I would really like to just give up. I’m going to make mistakes, I’m going to fail and I hope I do so I can learn quicker, I’m also going to succeed, I’m going to get lucky, I'm going to work really hard, I will bull-doze moments of fear and press on with courage, I’m going to hurt the people I love, I’m going to love people who don’t really love me back. I’m going to keep falling in love with life but I am also going to feel the familiar pain of heart-break. It's the cycle of human experience. As much as I desire to be perfect, to not make mistakes, and how often I hold on to things for screwing up so badly or even feeling badly for doing everything right, I’m still going to keep pressing forward, I’m still going to “rise strong.”
The thing is, I know I’m flawed and definitely not living under any illusion that I am perfect although sometimes looking in I'm sure my life can look pretty magical and sometimes it is, but not always. Hey, no one really likes perfect people anyways because we know they aren’t being real, being vulnerable or true. But I still desire perfection regardless and I don’t even really know why, but I am working on that too.
I am a human trying my absolute best to be the perfect daughter, the perfect photographer, the perfect boss lady/entrepreneur, the perfect partner, the perfect friend, the perfect fur-mama, the perfect yoga teacher, while maintaining the most perfect house, a decent body that isn’t ridiculed with self-hate and destructive tendencies, and its hard. At the end of the day, thats what we are all doing. My life isn’t a tragedy, it isn’t news, its someone else story too, somewhere. I know I am not alone and that my thoughts and my struggles aren’t even special or unique, I am painfully ordinary but I surround myself with other painfully ordinary people who love me anyways and whom I love also.
Be real, be true, be you,